When two people decide to live together (one plus one), a system is created (makes three). A system is a whole whose individual units are connected to one another and relate to one another according to certain system-internal rules. It can be compared to a mobile found in children’s rooms: every single part is in place and the mobile is balanced. However, if one part is moved or relocated, all other parts must also find a new place so that the mobile regains its balance and does not collapse.
It’s similar in a family system or relationship. When one member of the system changes, all other members are affected and adapt (usually unconsciously). As humans are constantly evolving, the system they live in is also changing, for it must always be in balance to survive. This is why we sometimes find ourselves in very uncomfortable situations that make us feel trapped. Let’s take an example: You feel that the relationship with another family member is not good for you. But no matter what you do, you can’t break away from her or permanently improve the relationship. And that’s because the source of the problem lies elsewhere, hidden within the family system. Another example : a child has behavioral problems, and all therapeutic approaches lead to little success. In reality, the child is subconsciously trying to get their parents to delve into their own story or divert attention from a family secret. If it were to heal, the real problem could not be identified and would go undetected.
We live in several systems at the same time (family of origin, professional environment, relationship, circle of friends, etc.) and our task or role differs from system to system. You may have noticed that you behave differently when you are with friends and when you are visiting family. This can be observed well in children when they are in the presence of their parents and a teacher at the same time. They usually feel completely uncomfortable because they no longer know which system they are in.
The system-internal rules are rarely visible, mostly they elude our conscious perception. What we perceive externally does not correspond to reality. Our behavior is 90% unconscious.